Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize