Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
