i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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