There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
