high people should be assigned attendants
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
