im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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