Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I deserve this hangover.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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