Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
