Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
