Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
