So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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