If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
