i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
