Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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