I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
