WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Sext me about skeletons
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
