I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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