even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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