I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
