so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
