Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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