he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
