yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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