I can't watch pbs sober anymore
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
