ya dads aren't the best wingmen
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
