We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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