Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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