You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize