someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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