Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
