Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
