The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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