Don't make out with my wife yet
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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