Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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