guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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