God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
