epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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