Where is the hickey?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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