More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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