Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
