I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize