so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
