oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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