My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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