I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
