I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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