I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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