It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
