Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
