Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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