great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
