You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sacagawea was the original milf.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
