I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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