Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize