ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
As shirtless as possible
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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