I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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