So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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