Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
