Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
