Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
