I hate all girls vehemently.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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