1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
